North London Derby County

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Ahead of this week’s derby, I thought I’d take a look at our opposition, given most people probably haven’t heard of them. Here’s their likely lineup:

Hugo Lloris

Tottenham fans rate him as the best in the league, when he’s not even in the top two in London. Average position is usually 10 yards in front of his defence.

Eric Dier

English/Portuguese defender who everybody forgot about once we learnt how to pronounce his name.

Younes Kabul

Made his name as the capital of Afghanistan. Big and runs a lot but has a gap in his teeth that’s nearly as big as the one that tends to appear between him & his central defensive partner whenever he plays.

Jan Vertonghen

A left-footed defender from Belgium who came to the Premier League from Ajax, likes to get forward and will probably be made captain in a year or two before joining Barcelona. Sounds familiar.

Danny Rose

Danny Rose to prominence when he volleyed a winner over Manuel Almunia from 40 yards. Unlike David Bentley, he’s still playing in the Premier League. Will only be able to play if the Emirates waives its height restrictions.

Darren Bentaleb

Signed by Harry Redknapp for £16m and loved by Tottenham fans, who have an eye for a midfield talent. They were the first to see Scotty Parker’s obvious greatness.

Michael Essien Capoue

Kinda rate him. Shouldn’t have sold Sandro but he’s probably exactly what they need in midfield.

Erik Lamela

Imagine being replaced by Gervinho and still not missed. What makes it even more hilarious is that he’s actually a very good footballer. Just hope he doesn’t show everyone how good he is on Saturday.

Chris Genericsson

Take your most stereotypical Scandinavian and then give him a name like Chris Genericsson. Got to feel for the guy. Ended up at Tottenham because nobody else wanted him for £13m but he’s now probably their best player. Don’t really know if that says more about him or them. Takes a mean set piece.

Nasa Chadli

Not actually an astronaut, but he’s been flying all season. Met him on Monday and he was wearing a hat that didn’t fit properly. I don’t know what we can learn from this ahead of Saturday.

Emmanuel Adebayor

Actually kinda liked him when he played for us. Tends to play really well at every club he joins before getting a new contract & becoming bad. He’ll want to do some damage on Saturday & when he’s on form, he can be a real handful. Either that or he’ll get sent off again. He also tailgated me a few weeks ago driving through Hampstead at 4am so any good will I had towards him has now gone forever.

Injury news

Andros Townsend & Harry Kane are doubtful due to banter.

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